


exile

by pantheras (rewindmp3)



Series: study the past [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Angels, Heaven & Hell, M/M, lapslock, this is definitely like sacrilegious or something whatever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:47:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26657638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rewindmp3/pseuds/pantheras
Summary: there is truthfully very little that separates heaven and hell. by the time johnny realizes this, taeyong has already fallen.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Series: study the past [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1933885
Comments: 6
Kudos: 43





	exile

**Author's Note:**

> if this is familiar to you at all, i posted a bit of this on twitter a few months ago (which is also why this is lapslock and each paragraph is so short), but had more Thoughts and kept writing :S the title is from exile by taylor swift

“most of the evil in this world is done by people with good intentions.”  
― t.s. eliot

“one of the greatest tragedies in mankind's entire history may be that morality was hijacked by religion.”  
― arthur c. clarke

“please don’t go.”

they stand before hell’s gate, johnny’s hand wrapped tightly around taeyong’s wrist. taeyong stands still, back facing johnny, and as much as johnny wants to see his face, perhaps it’s better this way. this way, taeyong can’t see the way johnny cries.

“you expect me to stay?” taeyong’s voice is cold. bitter. heartbroken. johnny has never heard him like this. “they threw my little brother away like he was the dirt beneath their feet, like he was not one of God’s best, and you expect me to stay?

“even when i had nothing, i had him. what do i have here?”

“you have me.”

taeyong does not speak, but johnny sees his spine stiffen.

“i love you. know that this is true. but i do not love you more than i love mark, nor do i love mark more than i love you. romantic love is not some shining beacon of all that love should be."

johnny knows. agrees, even. still, it does not stop his heart from splintering.

“if i stayed here with you, everywhere i turn i would see the people who did this to my platonic love, johnny, my baby brother. i would crumble slowly, agonizingly—there would be no escape from the heartbreak, from God who ordered it and from His angels who stood by and let Him."

taeyong’s voice does not shake the way his hand does under johnny’s. “our love would grow sour, my angel, and i refuse to be in your presence and allow that to happen.”

“please,” johnny begs. angels do not beg. it is a rule that God hammers mercilessly into them. angels are warriors, harbingers of justice, divine in every way. angels are messengers of God, and God does not beg.

now, though, johnny begs. he begs for taeyong to stay.

“i’m sorry.”

and johnny knows the decision is final. he lets go of taeyong’s wrist. taeyong turns to look at him, finally, lips pulling into a devastated smile when he sees the tears staining johnny’s cheeks. his hand raises as if to wipe johnny’s tears away, but he falters.

their eyes meet and johnny feels the splinters deepen, spread like spiderwebs, feels his heart fracture into a myriad of broken pieces. he tries to commit taeyong’s face to memory—beautiful, beautiful taeyong with galaxies in his eyes and righteous, holy fire burning in his heart.

“we can be the villain in each other’s stories,” taeyong says. his voice is soft, now, soothing. “i will not forget the injustice done towards my family, and you can tell the other angels of your lover who fell, of the archangel who betrayed God.”

johnny opens his mouth to protest, but taeyong shakes his head gently. there is a miserable glint to his eye. it speaks of knowing. of seeing. of an understanding that everything is about to change. it hurts johnny more than any punishment God has ever doled upon him.

taeyong walks forward three steps, closes the distance between them. he cups the side of johnny’s face, hands tracing the dried tear tracks. he leaves a chaste kiss on johnny’s lips, a parting gift. johnny rests his forehead against taeyong’s and wills himself not to tremble.

“i love you, johnny suh.”

taeyong leaves johnny’s embrace. johnny can still feel his skin tingle with the ghost of taeyong’s touch. it is no longer johnny’s to have.

taeyong smiles one last time before he turns again to face the gates of hell. he walks forward.

he falls.

the first time johnny sees taeyong again, they are on opposite sides of a battlefield.

taeyong’s wings are no longer the pure, blinding white they were when he was an angel of God. now, they are pitch black, darker than even the night sky. johnny feels his breath catch.

taeyong’s wings are gleaming and dangerous. dangerous, johnny knows, because the darker the wings, the higher the rank. that’s how it works, in hell.

mark is standing by taeyong’s side, wings also dark and menacing but not quite the obsidian of his brother’s.

johnny had heard rumors, whispers of the lee brothers, fallen from His grace yet more glorious than ever before. he hadn’t known what to make of them. he had barely wanted to hear them. thinking about taeyong still felt like his heart was being gauged out of his chest.

now, though, he sees that the whispers held truth.

of course, johnny had known of taeyong’s prowess before he had fallen. an eternal lifetime of knowing someone will do that.

taeyong would not have been an archangel of God if he were anything other than extraordinary.

what johnny sees now is power even beyond that. something he hadn’t thought possible.

taeyong barely lifts a finger and fissures break open across the earth. he cocks his head and tsunamis swell. he lifts a single brow and lightning flashes across the sky as thunder roars.

taeyong glances down at the mortal world below them—at the humans waging a war so violent that both heaven and hell had deemed it necessary to participate, to take up arms, to choose sides—and ten thousand men fall into order, under his command.

johnny watches as the army of heaven meets the army of hell. he watches as these humans swing their swords and wield their spears and tear each other limb from limb. he watches, stunned, as every single human under taeyong’s control evades and delivers death.

so this is taeyong’s power. this is the might of the righteous, unrestrained.

unrestrained because, in heaven, there is God. there is God whose power no other being is allowed to surpass, or even come close to, for that matter.

for the first time in his life, johnny sees taeyong, and he is scared.

it is not an easy thing to command ten thousand humans and preserve each and every one of their lives.

the minds of the divine are far beyond those of the mortal. it does not matter if they have fallen. even then, to guide the souls of ten thousand people?

it is to cleave one’s soul into at least that many pieces, to imbue one’s will so strongly that it overwhelms whatever mortal spirit exists ten thousand times all at once, and to be acutely aware of every action of ten thousand humans to know when to intervene.

to know when to save them from death.

it is easy to lose control, to lose a life or a thousand of them. it does not mean much to God or His angels or heaven or hell. it is, in the grand scheme of things, incredibly insignificant.

but taeyong does not lose a single one.

he does not lose a single life, and yet he helps mark control his humans as well. johnny knows this to be true because he knows what to look for. it was, after all, something that he and taeyong used to do, during every war in which God had them wage.

the twin flames, they were called, and their combined strength was a legend among legends.

it seems taeyong does not need him now.

they meet like this many times.

that first time, heaven caused the shang dynasty to fall. the decision was really as simple as this: God was bored. He wanted change, so He equipped the zhou with droves of chariots that the shang could not match. by the time hell decided to participate, it was already too late.

and from the zhou, the mandate of heaven was born, true in every way except for the fact that God rarely gave thought to who He placed on the throne. if the emperor was good and kind, it was because of luck or because of His angels or because of johnny, who cared.

the humans fought, as they always do, and there was an arms race, as there always is, and the zhou dynasty splintered into fragments, into the warring states period. God tried to command heaven to salvage the zhou, but hell was ready and waiting.

johnny watched as the qin conquered, as taeyong, the general at the head of his army of humans with mark by his side, led his troops to victory.

taeyong had melted into the shadows too slowly and too quickly. too slowly because johnny saw him and felt the pang of longing across the battlefield. too quickly because God decided enough was enough and replaced the qin with the han.

they meet again in what is now called korea, and taeyong finally sees him. he finally sees johnny.

they are separated by miles of land and water, but that distance is nothing to them, nothing to johnny who sees taeyong and all of his features with startling clarity.

johnny sees himself echoed in every emotion that flits across taeyong’s face, quick as lightning. he sees the shock, the realization that johnny is truly standing in front of him, the crushing heartbreak because they both understand they cannot be held in the other’s arms.

perhaps most importantly, he sees the way that taeyong’s shoulders sag in relief, even just the tiniest bit, knowing that johnny is okay, that he is whole, that God has not unleashed His wrath on him.

johnny sees the traces of love, so hard to erase despite how long it’s been.

it is this love that floods johnny’s chest with warmth, despite the blood being spilled around them. it is taeyong’s love—or, the memory of it—that has kept johnny sane. to bear witness to it again is a feeling indescribable.

he sees mark, too, who looks at him with a smile, small and sad and a little something else. _why didn’t you fall with us?_ the smile asks. _do you love God more than you love us? did you ever love us?_

 _i don't know_ , johnny wants to say. then, _no._ then, _yes_. then, _taeyong is the greatest love i will ever have, and i love you for who you are to him, and who you became to me. i love you both more than anything. i do not know why i stayed._

he is called away soon after. he feels robbed of something when God calls for his service. hope, maybe? he does not think it’s fair to be ripped away from taeyong so quickly, but he is an _angel_ and this is not something he could ever say out loud.

johnny does not know if seeing him has shaken taeyong up at all. taeyong is far too skilled for that. but maybe it did something, because a few days later, wiman chosŏn falls to the heaven-led han dynasty armies, and a year later, the four commanderies are completed.

God tells johnny that this is his domain now. God tells johnny that He trusts him, the highest honor. before, the compliment would have lit a fire in johnny’s heart, filled him with pride and the need to prove that this trust was earned. johnny feels none of that now.

perhaps seeing taeyong, seeing him and knowing that they were ordered to preside over the same place, has done something to johnny, too.

after the dust has settled and the humans have regained some semblance of peace, it would seem that neither johnny nor taeyong have the will to control them as they were intended to.

johnny feels numb to it all, as if there is a thin veil of haze blanketing his entire existence.

johnny can only watch as the humans fracture themselves. he can feel taeyong’s influence, and he tries to combat it with his own, but they were always each other’s greatest weaknesses, their achilles’ heels.

there are koguryŏ, paekche, and silla. then, after silla, there are later paekche, later koguryŏ, and koryŏ, and it is less the desire of either heaven or hell that koryŏ lasts as long as it does, so much as it is the fact that they are both so _tired_.

johnny feels the exhaustion of fighting taeyong settle deep into his bones, and although it has been millennia since taeyong fell, johnny knows that he is the mirror to taeyong’s soul, just as taeyong is to his.

taeyong is tired, too.

they cannot win over one another, but God would have johnny try, and taeyong can only retaliate, can only try to keep himself and his baby brother safe.

there is koryŏ and the mongols who invade, but there is no betrayal in taeyong’s eyes when they must clash.

there is only a resigned sorrow, and pity, maybe, if johnny looks closely enough. they are puppets, the both of them, but johnny suspects that taeyong could go anywhere if he chose to, and that he could bring mark with him.

yet taeyong chooses to stay. he chooses to stay there, within johnny’s reach, too close but never close enough.

there is so much pain, being so near and knowing they are separated by more than just distance.

yet johnny would suffer through it a thousand times worse a thousand times over because it meant that taeyong was in reach.

God was not happy. He had left johnny unsupervised because johnny had earned His trust, but when He realized that the koryŏ reign was not due to iron-clad control, He took matters into His own hands.

He had general yi sŏnggye betray the koryŏ king, and johnny could only watch helplessly as taeyong and mark suffered. yi sŏnggye ascended the throne to become king t’aejo, and the chosŏn dynasty was born.

He threatened johnny with grave consequence if chosŏn did not last. perhaps johnny should have been afraid. instead, he felt nothing. he had felt nothing but the hollow emptiness in his chest since taeyong fell, nothing but the ache of longing and the chill of lonely nights.

funnily enough, they begin to work together again.

something has shifted by the 1800s. or, rather, something ancient has begun to stir from a long slumber. johnny can feel the change in the atmosphere, all of the divine can.

it has God antsy because whatever is rising from the shadows is powerful enough to affect God’s little play things, His humans, without even being fully conscious. in a rare recognition of the limits of His power, God asks hell for a truce.

the truce is not strong enough, it would seem, during the opium wars. whatever the ancient force is had taken control of the british, bending them to its will despite the humans knowing that what they were doing was _wrong_.

there is a brief reprieve after the first world war, when the stirring halts and both heaven and hell can recuperate from disaster after disaster. the truce holds, albeit tenuously, as they lick their wounds, but it is not strong enough to stop the second world war from coming.

the truce is not strong enough, either, during the rape of nanjing, or the holocaust, or any of the other atrocities committed during world war ii.

by then both heaven and hell had realized that their opponent was stronger than heaven and more evil than hell. although, johnny muses as he thinks of taeyong and mark, hell is not evil so much as it is a balancing force against heaven.

God finally allows His angels to collaborate with the fallen themselves, and johnny cannot stop the elated jump of his heart when he learns he can speak to taeyong again.

the twin flames, they were called, and their combined strength was a legend among legends. it did not matter that one resided in heaven and the other in hell, because their bond had not been broken. it had not weakened, not in the slightest.

that fact, more than anything, fills johnny with more emotions than he can name. he is relieved and comforted and proud, but most of all, he is happy because they’ve won, and their victory would not have existed without the ties between johnny’s soul and taeyong’s.

but there is heaven, and there is hell. there is God, and a wounded ego.

there is the korean war.

“destroy them,” God ordered, a terrifying glint to his eye. “raze this place to the ground.”

and johnny had obeyed.

he had set the americans loose on north korea. he and his brethren had guided their humans to drop bombs, one after another without pause, until north korea had been quite literally flattened and its infrastructure obliterated.

he and God’s angels had heard their humans complain that there was nothing left to bomb, and pushed them to drop even more. it felt terrible, but what could he do? God had commanded him, and God’s will must be done.

he knows he has done something _horrific_ , though, the next time he sees taeyong.

despite all that has passed, every time they have met, johnny has watched the way taeyong’s eyes soften as they look at each other, no matter how many miles separate them. johnny knows that softness is mirrored in his own face, and it is something he cherishes.

it is something he must protect. it is something he would fight tooth and nail to keep. it is something he has lost.

the next time johnny sees taeyong, his eyes harden and grow cold. there is a vicious snarl curling taeyong’s lips that johnny has never seen directed at him before.

he feels something pierce the space between his ribs, and he _mourns_. oh, how he mourns.

“is this heaven?!” taeyong roars, voice venomous. “is this justice? morality? tell me, johnny, God’s favored angel, tell me what it is that you have done, if it is not the evil that hell is meant to be.”

taeyong disappears in a flash of storm clouds and rain. johnny finds that he has no answer.

johnny does not see taeyong again after that.

there are wars, of course there are. humans would not be humans if they did not attempt to slaughter one another. heaven and hell would not be what they are if they did not insert themselves into conflict for the entertainment of it all.

despite the eternal war, he and taeyong do not meet.

johnny knows that this is taeyong’s doing.

he did not understand why, at first, when he knew that taeyong still loved him and he still loved taeyong. why would taeyong forego the chance to see him, even if in mere glimpses? is that not better than nothing?

only with the slow trickle of time does johnny begin to realize that love can exist with disappointment, and that taeyong is disappointed in him.

taeyong saw the way johnny followed God without question, without concern for principles or morals or the righteousness that taeyong embodies and values so dearly, and taeyong was _disappointed in him_.

johnny had thought that the most painful moment of his life was when taeyong fell, but that was nothing compared to this, to knowing that he had let taeyong down.

it has taken johnny years, decades, centuries, millennia, but what johnny realizes is this:

God is nothing like what humans have made Him out to be. He is an architect, an engineer, an inventor. He is a creator who envisions His ideal world and those who live in it, and stops at nothing in His relentless pursuit of perfection. the reality must match the blueprint. it is the only thing that matters.

everything else? every mistake that doesn’t fit, every creation with a mind of its own that doesn’t conform to His plan?

the solution is simple: destruction. if He cannot have death? exile.

it has taken johnny years, decades, centuries, millennia, but what johnny realizes is this: the only faith he has is in what he feels for taeyong, in what he knows taeyong feels for him.

their love has been the only constant in johnny’s eternal life, the only thing he knows with certainty is pure and true.

their love for each other is what johnny chooses to live for, not God or heaven or anything else.

what johnny realizes is this: heaven is hell if taeyong is not in it.

he falls.

**Author's Note:**

> if you're wondering why the korean romanization looks unfamiliar, it's because i'm using the mccune-reischauer system rather than the revised system! the mccune-reischauer system is still used more in academic writing and textbooks, and i was referencing class notes as i was writing this fic loll 
> 
> ANYWAYS, wrote this entirely on my notes app and it is neither beta'd nor proofread, so please forgive any mistakes :| i'm also really not religious at all and personally don't have particularly strong feelings about the nature of god or whatever.... it just served the fic well... sorry if i offended anyone a;lsdkjf i also wasn't sure about the rating of the fic, so please lmk if you think i need to change it to teen or something...
> 
> peace out and enjoy all the new content from the boys~ ♡
> 
>   
>  [twt](https://twitter.com/maddogmp3) || [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/maddogmp3)


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